Looking Forward

Making a better life for me and my kids

About Me

I was married for 13 years. He was abusive. Like many people, I didn’t realize it until I was out.

I couldn’t do anything right. I couldn’t make any decision that wouldn’t be questioned. I couldn’t have an opinion that wasn’t wrong. I couldn’t go visit my friends or family without him – if I did, I put up with days of him sulking and would inevitably be coming home to our house more of a mess than it’d ever been.

He never wanted to do anything with our boys. He’d always say “I can’t wait until they’re older so I can do stuff with them.” When they got older, it didn’t seem to matter too much. Sometimes he’d favor our younger son, taking him fishing or hunting. He couldn’t be bothered with the older boy. “If he wants to spend time with me, he’ll figure out something for us to do.”

After our divorce was over with he decided to move to South Dakota to go to law school. During the 2.5 years he was there, he stopped contacting the children with any regularity. Anytime I had to have contact with him he was blaming me. Screaming at me. Belittling me. Telling me I was a whore. Saying I ruined our family. That I am the reason the kids won’t call him…over and over and over. I also found out that when he would talk to the kids, he would tell them “Mom made me move to South Dakota.”

I first realized he likely has some sort of personality disorder when he took my older son during a visit and refused to return him. Saying I’d locked my son out, I was a terrible person, my son didn’t want to see me ever again.
There were resources in the books “Divorce Poison” and Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder where I started being able to narrow down what exactly the symptoms were that my ex was exhibiting. After reading a LOT about what seemed to be happening here, I became aware that I had apparently married someone with a narcissistic personality disorder. This article could have been written about me: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201102/help-im-divorcing-narcissist As much as it hurt to realize that I’d been fooled all along, it was a relief to realize that I wasn’t the crazy one.

I endured many, many years of feeling crazy. Inadequate. Sad. Lost. Confused. Hopeless. Trapped. It turns out, that’s what he was trying to do. I was relieved to understand what was happening, what HAD been happening all along, but no where have I found any concrete strategies for dealing with a person like that, other than to eliminate ALL contact. With kids, that’s impossible to do.

We are currently awaiting a trial date. He wants the kids the majority of the time. He doesn’t want to pay child support. He doesn’t think he should have to. I am, after all, the one who wanted the divorce. He also doesn’t think our youngest son should be medicated for his ADHD.

Writing helps. Getting it out of my head helps. Getting feedback from perfect strangers that remind me that I am NOT the crazy one helps. Knowing I’m not alone helps. To who ever is reading this, I hope knowing you’re not alone helps you too.

Trash

There has been no contact between Asshat and I since the email exchange where he gave me dates for his trip to Europe. So, imagine my surprise when I got this email (from his old email address that he told me not to use anymore) this evening, with the subject line being “Trash”.

Trash

From: Asshat

To: Me

Today at 7:05 PM

You are some kind of piece of trailer park trash to tell A your going to give him only 125 for school clothes.   Maybe you should get your priorities straight and use some of the money you mooch off of me each week and put your child ahead of your own personal interests.   I know this is not the same thing as drugging up your own child cause you two can’t handle kids without a drink,  so please feel free this one time to pretend to be a responsible parent.  PS try letting him shop somewhere other than target or Wal-Mart too as I think he would prefer that. 

 

I’m not sure the projection could be any more evident if he labeled each sentence “this is projection”.

Not that it really matters, but I’ll just point out a few things:

  1. While it’s a rental, I live in a huge and beautiful house, not a trailer. Not in a trailer park. Also, unlike Asshat, we do have cold AND hot running water here.
  2. I budgeted $500.00 for each kid for back to school shopping. I only gave A $125.00 over the weekend so he could do a little shopping on his own while he is in Boston with his friend.
  3. ADHD meds are not “drugging up your kid” when they are serving the intended purpose of treating the ADHD symptoms so that your kid can actually function effectively.
  4. I only ever drank to deal with my abusive asshole husband, never to deal with my kids. Needless to say, I don’t drink anymore. Not even a little.
  5. The only time the kids buy clothes at Walmart is when they need an orange sweatshirt for tomorrow, or a dress shirt and a tie for the concert tonight. Walmart is awful and as a general rule, we avoid it at all costs. I do love Target though.
  6. I have not had any ‘personal interests’ that have come before my children’s interests for the last 17 years. A texted me tonight to say “dad doesn’t have any money to pitch in for school clothes”. So, if I wanted to know what it was like to put my own interests first, I could ask the asshole that just got back from a month in Europe and now has no money to buy any clothes for the kids.

Another Monday.

I’m frustrated. I know I shouldn’t be…but I am.

I know I’m supposed to wait patiently for the universe to balance out asshats bullshit with some sort of consequence, but seriously, how long is this going to take? I know, I know, I’m supposed to be so involved with my own life and the kids that I’m not supposed to have time to worry about him and the chaos he leaves in his wake. However, today that is not the case. He has been running all over Europe with the GF, which, I purposefully went to her page to take screen shots to show the Child Support Enforcement people in the event he tries to tell them that “No no, I was never in Europe.”

I can’t tell if they’re having fun – the pictures don’t show that much. It’s more pictures of where they are and what they’re doing…which, is exactly what I need for evidence. The thing that’s getting me is the comments people are making: “Enjoy this once in a life time trip!” I guess they don’t realize that this is the 3rd time he’s traveled in that direction, twice to Europe, once to China. “I’m so glad you guys found each other!” Right, two people who share the same indifference towards their children that they can just leave for a month – nbd. The obliviousness people have towards this situation is mind-boggling. Again. I know. Not my deal. While its likely he’s duped them all into thinking he’s soooo fortunate to have a GF who has paid for the entire trip, its more likely, they’re just as sick of him and her as I am….they’re just being polite and would gag if they realized that he wanders around on all these trips while he also continues to attempt to wiggle out of paying child support.

Meanwhile, both kids birthdays have come and gone. A got a whole $20.00 from his father. He left it taped underneath the coffee table at his house. D got nothing. But, I’m sure the kids totally understand that this thrice in a lifetime trip is super important to their dad and his gf and they would be be selfish to expect him to be thinking of them during such an important trip like this.

Digging a hole

When we last left off on the child support / arrears story, asshat was doomed to meet with a process server in order to be served with a notice of debt…

Since I hadn’t heard anything lately, I filled out the form online to find out what was happening with the arrears last week. A woman named Michelle called me today to talk to me about the status.

She told me that asshat had spoken with an agent and they had come to the agreement and they would not be collecting any more money from him due to his severe financial hardship. She told me that the agent had made this decision, and  that she was just relaying the information to me. She said that asshat had talked about filing for bankruptcy, and has another small child he’s supporting.

I said, “another child? He doesn’t have any other children.”
Michelle said, “He doesn’t have another child with another woman?”
I said, “No, he doesn’t. His girlfriend has a daughter….”
Michelle interjected and said, “Well that must be the child he’s supporting.”
I said, “The girlfriend, her ex-husband and their daughter all live together. That’s how she’s being supported, by both her parents living together.”
Michelle said “The girlfriend and her ex husband live together? That’s weird.”
I agreed and pointed out the asshat had a vasectomy 13 years ago, there’s no way he has other children.

MIchelle asked twice more, “he doesn’t have any other children?” then she took this information down with a surprising amount of disbelief. “I’ll be sure to get this information to the agent to see if he’d like to reconsider the decision. This isn’t right.”

I agreed that it wasn’t right and then mentioned that he and the girlfriend were currently in Europe, and would be there for 3-4 weeks. “Europe?! how is he able to do that?” I said I didn’t know. She asked what they were doing there, I said I didn’t know, but the email he sent me said they would be traveling around Europe. “Well that doesn’t sound like financial hardship to me.”
I agreed. Michelle wanted to know when they left. I told her on Sunday. “He emailed you this?” she asked, her disbelief was becoming comical.
I said, “Yes he did.” I opened the email and read it to her.
“I don’t normally give people my email address, but can you send that email to me?”
I said, “of course.” and forwarded it along.
“Oh! i got it!” she said. “I’ll send all of this information along to the agent and we’ll see about getting him to reconsider this agreement. We’ll see what we can do to get him to pay you that five thousand dollars.”
I told her that I really appreciated her help.

She asked about his legal studies, as asshat had given that sob story about needing to study for the bar exam to the agent. I told her that he’d graduated a few Januarys ago – and had taken the bar exam twice and failed it twice. “So he’s been graduated for more than a year?” Oh yes, he has.

She clarified with me where he worked and what he did there. She seemed quite flustered by the end of the phone call. I don’t know if it was the first time a State of Maine employee realized they’d been duped by a deadbeat trying to get out of paying child support – but that is what it seemed like. She was clearly angry and frustrated, but hopefully that will work to my benefit.

 

almost summertime!

Its been a long time since I’ve posted here…lets see what there is to catch up on.

1. things with asshat remain the same. He’s not spoken to or contacted D since February when D tried to call and arrange to visit. I have been getting regular child support payments (yay!). However, he is now 60 days past due with the HELOC. With his trip to europe in a couple of weeks, we’re not sure what will happen with support payments. 

2. A: The schedule that A has been sticking to is 10 days with me, 4 days with asshat. Baseball will start for him today. He’s looking forward to it, which makes me happy. A will be wrapping up his Jr year in a few days and will officially be a senior. Unbelievable.

We’re still college hunting. We (husband and I) had a talk with A on Sunday about it. The previous Wednesday A texted me out of the blue and said he wanted to do Early Decision at the University of Miami. I have no idea where that came from. After our talk on Sunday, it became clear. Asshat has an opinion. The school A had chosen as his first choice, Coastal Carolina in South Carolina, was now a “terrible idea”. Thats what his father told him. A terrible idea. Asshat has never been to SC, he’s never attended coastal carolina, and its more than likely he’s never even MET anyone who went there. Asshat’s idea for A is that he should apply to Texas A&M, Harvard and California Polytech. Asshat believes that it is very important that A be attempting to attend a “nationally ranked school”. He told A that a nationally ranked school has more actual professors and not as many regular teachers. It is very clear to me that asshat is putting as much effort into research about A’s secondary education as he did his own. A isn’t even close to being considered for acceptance to any of those schools. He is a B and sometimes C, sometimes A student. He’ll only have 3 years of high school science. He does not have a job. He does not volunteer. He is not a qualified candidate for these schools. I hate to say it, but he’s just not. Asshat told him that if he graduates from Harvard that he’ll make 50k a year to start. I guess asshat knows this because he also graduated from harvard and now makes 50k a year? or knows someone who has? No, and No. A’s other school choice was West Virginia University. Asshat told him that this was also a terrible idea. There was also mention that asshat told A that he gets an extra 5k for claiming him on his taxes, and thats good because he only make 25k a year compared to my 90k a year. That guy is on crack. He makes more money than I do, which is why HE pays ME support! Sometimes I wish I could live in such delusion. 

I told A that we would help him with application costs for up to 5 schools, but we would like them to be schools that he actually could be accepted at, even if its a long shot, and that they be schools he actually would want to attend. He doesn’t want to live in New England. He wants the weather to be warm. He wants the school to have a decent football team. He wants to be within a few hours of the coast. And he’d like to major in business. I’ve asked A to look at Virginia Tech. He said he’d look into it. 

3. D: His birthday is on Thursday. He’ll be 14. I have no idea how that happened. We had an appointment with is primary doctor last week. He’s 120 lbs and 5 foot 7 inches tall. Again, I don’t know how that happened. For his birthday we’re going to take him to the Boston Comic Con in August. He wants to go as a ringwraith. If anyone has any ideas about how to make a ringwraith costume, please let me know! 

There is a computer camp for a week in July that D is excited about. He’s never done anything like this before. Its nice to see him get excited about going out into the world and trying new stuff. He’ll be starting high school in the fall. He now has glasses in addition to braces, and he could not be happier about it. He’s continuing to dive on Saturday mornings. He’s recently asked that we not go and watch. He believes he does better when we’re not there. Husband said this was the same thing he felt like when he was 13 and played baseball. 

4. Meanwhile, I still hate my job. So. Much. We’ve tossed around the idea of just packing up and moving to VA or NC or FL. D is on board with that idea, but he’ll likely be singing a different song after his first year of high school, since we couldn’t go until after A was graduated. I guess we’ll see how things look in a year or so. The job market is not good here (slightly worse than other places) so even though I look for other opportunities, there really isn’t much available….which tends to just add to the ongoing frustration. 

Husband and I will be celebrating our 3rd wedding anniversary in 10 days. I can’t believe its only been 3 years. It feels like a lot longer…but in a good way!

No hot water

Asshat has not spoken to D since February 22nd. 

D’s counselor informed us last week that asshat had called him the week before. Asshat wanted to see how D has been doing. Counselor reported that D is doing well. D will occasionally talk about his father, but normally only when the counselor is the one to bring it up. He also reported to asshat that D currently has no motivation for reunification with his father. This seemed to anger asshat as while the counselor was telling us about it, his voice changed. It became that voice we all use when retelling words from someone we have no respect for. The counselor used his ‘asshat voice’ and said the response was: “I’ll have to send you an email about this! I’ll have to email you later!” The counselor said “Go for it.” However asshat did not ever send an email. The counselor asked me, “has dad made any attempts to contact? Phone calls? Emails? Text messages? Anything?” I shook my head and said, “Nope, nothing.” He raised his eyebrows and made a face. It made me wonder what asshat had told him.

A was with us last week and this weekend. He said that asshat still does not have any hot water. “If you want hot water, you need to boil it” he said. I asked A if that what he’d been doing. He said, “No, I don’t have time for that in the morning before school.” He said that he’s been showering at my house. Every day after school A gets off the bus at my house and takes a shower. I didn’t realize this was the ONLY shower he’s taking. I asked, “does dad have a plan to GET hot water?” A said that dad says he doesn’t need it. When he was in china a lot of places didn’t have hot water. A said, “I told him, well I’ve never been to China soooo…..” I said, “But when it gets to be winter, the pipes will freeze….” A said he was under the impression that dad would be selling the house before then. 

Lets hope he does and gets my name off that damn loan! He’s 30 days past due with the payment….again.

Husband and I are off on Thursday to Philadelphia for a few days. Husband turned 40 this year so I thought we’d take a nice little kid-free trip to celebrate. I’m really looking forward to getting out of here for a few days!

Kids.

Asshat managed, poor grammar and all, to inform me of the dates he and GF are going to Europe. June 22-July 17. 

Tentatively speaking, me and Nicole will be traveling throughout Europe from June 22nd through July 17th. A has told me he will be staying at my house for a portion of that time and since he will be 17 at that time I am perfectly fine with him doing so. “

UGH! NICOLE AND I! Genius. 

According to A, rather than board his dog for that whole time, he’ll have A stay out in the woods to make sure she gets fed one time per day for the first week. In exchange A can have the house to himself and “a lot of food”. A’s other grand plan is to have his (less than responsible) side kick stay with him for that week. With no adult supervision. Which, A is close to 17 (his birthday isn’t until July), his side kick has just turned 18, but I think its sort of irresponsible to let them both be out there, alone, with no adult at least checking in on them. 

A seems to think this is a fine idea. After the first week, apparently, Asshat has arranged for someone to pick the dog up and take her to be boarded. When I asked A, “why not just board her the entire time?” He said, “boarding a dog for 3 weeks is expensive.” Yeah, no kidding, But if you’re going to already board her for 2 weeks, is 1 more week that big of a difference?” A just shrugged. 

Then D said, “Where is dad going?” I said, “Europe, with Nicole for 3 weeks.” I’m not sure I’ve ever seen D look so disgusted, “god.” he said. 

A then went on to talk about how he wanted to go to Massachusetts with Michael when he goes – that he was going to go right after school was out, but A thinks he can get him to stay with him for the dog watching week…then they’ll go to Mass. together and hang out….”Two, Three weeks, a month at the most” (Micheal has family down there). I told him he might want to start saving up some money for that. I asked about the concerts I’ve bought him tickets for this summer for his birthday. “Are you going to be here for that?” He just looked at me…”when is it?”

Seriously? 

Deep Breath…..

I asked about baseball and if he was planning on playing. He said he didn’t know, then said if he had rides he would. I told him I thought baseball the next two seasons was important so I’d be willing to give him rides. Then he mumbled something and the conversation was over.

I’m so frustrated and irritated with him not able to think shit through. Obviously if you’re in Massachusetts for a month, you won’t be able to play baseball! If you don’t have a job, you won’t be able to save up any money! If you don’t bother to practice driving, you’re not ever going to pass your license test! If you think you’re going to college 1000 miles away, you might want a way to get there that isn’t a bus! Staying in the woods at your dad’s for a full week with no way to go anywhere is a bad idea! Your dad thinking you can be responsible for another living thing is also a bad idea! This is evidenced by his comment “I only need to really go there one time per day to feed her.” Good lord. He thinks he’s “tried to find a job”…he’s filled out and turned in ONE application. One. That does not constitute ‘trying to find a job’! I get he wants to have a ‘super fun summer hanging out with his friends’ and all …. who wouldn’t? But we’re getting down to the end of this ‘fun time’ and real life is creeping in. A little more than a year from now he’s going to start having bills, expenses, responsibilities. People are going to have expectations of him and require him to show up and do what he’s told – even if its not what he wants to do. Its called being an adult. Its coming whether or not he likes it….and I’m afraid he’s going to be SO unprepared. 

Child support and the bar exam.

Three years and 10 months since I’ve been divorced and I received my first child support payment today.

Finally the state and court have worked in tandem and support payments will be direct deposited into my bank account as long as he continues to work. Considering the bills and loans he has, he really has no choice but to continue to work. 

I inquired about arrears that are owed to me. They explained the process and he needs to be served this notice of debt. However, if he chooses to ignore the two certified letters, which he has done, the state will employ the services of a process server to hand him this notice of debt. It’s like he thinks if he can just avoid it, it’ll go away. 

In other news, the bar examiners office has released the names of those who have successfully passed the exam that happened in February. Asshat’s name, shockingly, is absent from the list. 

The kids are on break this week from school. A should be with his dad, but he’s opted to be with me instead. “I’m not going to sit around out there with nothing to do for an entire week!” is what A said. Plus, A’s new girlfriend lives 2 minutes from our house…so there’s that. 

 

 

 

Junior prom clusterfuck

Last weekend my son, a junior in high school, attempted to go to his junior prom with his girlfriend. He hadn’t realized that tickets would not be sold at the door, so they were turned away, as he didn’t buy his tickets in advance. 

There’s a 100 different things wrong with this, but the main thing is that he was turned away from his own junior prom because he didn’t have a piece of paper saying he could go. He had the money. The tux. The date. 

I emailed the principal on Monday. I got a snotty reply saying that its A’s fault, he should have gotten tickets in advance. Everyone else managed to get tickets in advance. And, sorry for the inconvenience.

A had told me that the asst principal, who had turned them away, said others were turned away as well. The principal said, no. A was the ONLY one turned away. I replied wondering about why an exception couldn’t have been made. I wondered about what the policy actually states. I got no response. I emailed the superintendent Tuesday afternoon. He was sure that the principal would want to address my concerns himself and referred me back to him. He cc’d the principal on this email as well. I waited 2 days. No response from the principal. I emailed the principal yesterday afternoon and said that this could be all be resolved by him and the asst principal sitting down with my son and his date, apologizing for the miscommunication and being clear about what transpired; why they weren’t allowed in, what the policy states, or if them being turned away was at the discretion of the staff on site (the asst principal). I thought it would be a fine idea for the school to allow A to be invited to the Sr. prom with his date so the 600 dollars her family spent on her dress wasn’t a total waste. My thought is that clearly there was a problem here of some kind – and the adults should take the time to explain to the kids why things worked out like they did. You know – take some responsibility. Model appropriate behavior. Blah blah blah. 

The reply I got was that the principal thinks tones can be misinterpreted in emails, so a face to face talk would be best in his opinion. I should email him or call his office to set up a time. So, I emailed him at 6am this morning saying I have time at 3:30 this afternoon. I have heard nothing back from him. 

I am pretty sick of being jerked around here. If the thinks he’s misinterpreting my tone he’s wrong. I’m pissed. I’m pissed in email, and I’m pissed in person. I’m pissed that this issue is taking effort and time on my part when this is really between A and the school. Which, by the way, A emailed the asst principal on Monday asking for a meeting with him about this – and he is also being ignored. I’m not misinterpreting the principal’s tone either. He doesn’t give a shit about this. He’s ignoring me, hoping I go away. 

The girlfriend’s parents were pissed too. The father met with the principal on Monday about this. He was offered no consolation. He was told A should have been responsible for getting tickets in advance. End of story. 

Is there no end to the number of assholes I’ll get to deal with in my life?

Consent To Treat. Or Not.

Any one who has to co-parent with a bitter and unstable person will know what’s coming when I start this post with the sentence: “I emailed Asshat regarding the orthodontists repeated attempts to get him to sign a consent to treat for D to get braces” That’s right, ladies and gentlemen….He no longer consents.

From Asshat over the last year regarding braces for D. 

March 13, 2013
Additionally, D will need braces and this will need to be verified as happening as soon as possible.  Let me know with whom this is to be done. If you have a preference for a Dental provider to keep your costs down I will be more than happy to discuss that with you.  He needs braces and you are responsible for payment of them.

May 20, 2013
I have looked at his teeth and they seem to be getting worse.  If it is easier for you to have me schedule the appointments and get the ball rolling I have no problem doing so.  If you have separate insurance to cover this I will be more than happy to once again work within your network.  Regardless, this needs to happen soon.  I gave you the green light to get him braces almost three years ago with whomever you found and you have not done so – I don’t care who does the work, but the child needs it done as soon as possible.   

October 4, 2013
I have also not heard back from you regarding a scheduled appointment for D to get his braces.  It has been a month.  Should I need to go through the Court to make this happen I will do so.  D should not have to wait any longer to recieve proper dental care, care that is long overdue.

Twice now the orthodontist has called me to let me know that they don’t have a signed ‘consent to treat’ for D for his appointment to get braces put on, which is scheduled for Aprll 1st. The first phone call with them I explained that now, due to an order from the court making him half responsible for this cost, he would likely not sign the form. She told me that she found that odd as she recalled him making the initial evaluation appt for D. She said he was VERY persistent in making the appointment as soon as possible and if I had cancelled it, he wanted them to call and tell him. I gave her his cell phone number and address. 

The second phone call was the office staff sounding a little desperate about not having this form signed. I explained again that he likely wouldn’t sign it, as he probably thinks that by not doing it, he won’t be financially responsible. She and I laughed. She told me that it wasn’t mandatory that both parents sign, its just what they prefer. I get it. But, I can’t help her. 

So, I emailed Asshat. “The orthodontist says you have still not signed and returned the consent to treat for D’s braces appt on Tuesday. Please stop by their office and do that as soon as possible.”

To which he replied “I do not consent to treat for any elective medical or dental treatment for D at this time.”

We’ll see how much that matters when the state starts collecting medical reimbursements from his paycheck. Asshole. 

No baseball

Now that we’re back to a life without so much Asshat, things have been busy! We had a lovely mini-vacation in Florida to visit husband’s family. It was so wonderful to be away from the cold and snow, if only for a few days. The boys had a great time. Neither had flown before, or been able to wake up to views of the sunrise over the ocean, so it was nice to be able to give them those experiences. 

We were smart enough to return home on a Friday in order to have a full weekend to get back into the swing of things before work and school resumed. 

A had decided that he would be participating on the school’s baseball team. He has played every single season since T-ball, so I was thrilled about this. A is very very good at baseball, but says he hates it. Each season since the last year of Farm League he normally has to be coaxed by a coach to join the team. So it was exciting that he was willingly going to be doing this on his own.

This week is Asshat’s week with A, but because my kids and their activities are important to me, I still pick A up after practice or volleyball or weight room even when its not my week. If I don’t, Asshat refuses to work around anyone’s schedule but his own. This way A gets to participate, and I get to see him most every day. 

When I picked A up at 5:15 on Monday he got in the car and was angry. “I’m not doing baseball” he said. I said, “Oh….Why not? Did it not go well?” He said, “No, its not that. Dad called me three times and since I didn’t answer my phone, he texted me and told me that I’d have to find my own way back to his house tonight. And if I couldn’t that he’d pick me up after school tomorrow. I don’t have any of my stuff for tomorrow” 

Silly me, with all my logic said, “Didn’t dad know you had baseball today?” 

“Yes. He did. But apparently he got out of work at 3:50 and since I left my phone in the locker room because I was at BASEBALL PRACTICE he just went home. I told him it started at 3, I don’t know why he would assume it would only go for 50 minutes. Whatever. I’m not going to do baseball. Its too much of a hassle if this is what’s going to happen every time.” 

He was upset. I felt bad. He just insisted that he’d do Sr. League in the summer instead, that would be less of a hassle some how. 

I offered to drive A out to dad’s to drop him off, but he said no. If I drove out there, he said, he’d just get his stuff and come back with me. He said all he was really missing was his history book, and he didn’t think he’d really need it. So, we just went back home. 

Asshat knew A was doing baseball. There was no previous mention about schedules or what Asshat would or would not be able to do. A gave him all the information he needed, and Asshat said, “Ok.” Then, when the time comes for Asshat to follow through and do something for someone else, suddenly, its a giant fucking problem.

How clearly I can see it now. This is a form of abuse. He’s being set up, just to be taught a lesson. It’s like A should have known ahead of time that this would be a problem for dad. Having to WAIT?! for his kid to get out of practice? I don’t think so! A is being sent a very clear message that what he wants is inconvenient. He will have to deal with his father being a manipulative prick because he is following his own ideas and goals. He’s being told that he should just give up. It’ll be easier to just give up than to fight for what you want. Its just baseball. You’d rather have your dad be civil and talk to you and not make you feel like you’re fucking up his day by needing a ride home. Just quit. 

I’ve done this a MILLION times myself with Asshat. It got to the point where whatever I wanted to do, it wasn’t worth the hassle of putting up with his bullshit afterwards. A trashed house, the silent treatment, suddenly no money in the budget for me to take the kids school shopping, whining endlessly about how awful it was for me to be gone…

Hopefully A’s reliance on his father for rides and food and shelter will be over soon enough, as college is quickly approaching for him. I’m sure for A though, its not soon enough. 

I emailed Asshat and told him that A was going to quit baseball because he wasn’t able to wait around after work to pick A up. (Normally Asshat gets out of work at 4:45, so the 20 minute drive to the high school would only mean about 10 minutes of actual waiting.) I asked Asshat to please try to work out some kind of resolution to this with A, as extracurriculars are important. I offered for A to stay over with me any time that he needed, and I would still be willing to pick him up from practices. 

Asshat’s reply? “Fee free to have a conversation with A about you picking him up from practice and driving him to my house every day.” 

Asshat lives 20 minutes away since moving to the old house. He really thinks this is the solution to the problem? Make me do all the work? Yeah. I guess that’s about right for his tiny little brain. Fucker. 

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